30 November 2006

Ça Me Manque

j'ai besoin de cacher chacun de mes mots ce soir. bien que je me sente comblé d'avoir une grande communauté d'amis à l'université à qui je peux venir, et à qui je peux me confier surtout, je crois que quelques sentiments méritent se retirer de l'optique commune, et de plus, y'a quelques sentiments que je veux bien conserver pour les immortaliser, pour ne pas donner la mauvaise impression à certains gens que je connais point. j'alimente ma vie rêvée. elle est plus forte que l'ideologie our les données, même si j'ai absolument tort de songer de telle façon. . .

j'ai le petit béguin pour une étrangère. j'ai jetté un coup d'oeil sur ses fotos, et je vois une visage qui me touche juste un petit peu. c'est vraiment difficile à expliquer, c'est comme. . . elle me provoque un sentiment, qui reste endormi depuis longtemps, depuis dévonne, et bien que sache que rien ne se passera, ça ne fait rien, c'est pas la réalité qui m'intéresse, c'est le réveil de quelque chose dedans qui a été abasourdi depuis longtemps, depuis le dernier amour de ma vie, qui est déclenché maintenant. je peux sentir ouvrir une galaxie entière comprimé à l'interieur de ma cage thoracique, j' y entends le battement des ailes, le désir, la joie et l'espoir sont des colombes frénétiques, sa course, son envolée progressive et inévitable, c'est pas personelle, c'est la vie en mouvement, c'est la poésie de la fuite, l'ourverture de mes poumons.

29 November 2006

Chicago, I Love You with a Vengeance

This is a little late, but i had such a rad time with kpg, k and d in chicago. some of the reasons include:

1. It's my city. and i love it with a vengeance.

2. I had such good company, and even if we were exhausted, as in, deep-tissue exhausted, hey, it was for kicks, and man, it felt good to be in a city i know with peeps i adore.

3. I love the chicago diner and my faux philly steak sandwich was the sickest thing i've had all month

5. I had such a good time, i ate up #4.

6. We kicked it at the beach for a little while, and i love lake michigan. it centers me the way the pacific ocean does everytime i make it to socal.

7. After they left to go back to SoBe, i went on this odyssey to mitsuwa where i found out:

They don't have anime with english subtitles and:
All the anime are bootlegged anyway

And i bought:

A japanese hip-hop mag called "woofin'" which, of course, means absoloutely nothing in english, even though it's an english word. cf. ingrish.

Two manga, "one piece" and "psalms of planet eureka"

Kamaboko, miso soup mix, spicy nori, kabayaki

8. I bought ghost in the shell 2, which has such amazing graphics.

9. I saw my bro, and we kicked it at borders, talked at his apartment, he played guitar--really loudly in his empty place--then we had breakfast the next morning with sara and their friend megha, and had a cool convo.

10. I got my tattoo:

which is simple, but really beautiful i think. i've been getting mad compliments on it. and josh, my tattoo artists, and i bonded. he only charged me 80 bucks for the whole thing, which is crazy.

11. I saw the beach AGAIN with wick and his g/f sara.

12. My bro and i went to one of our fave cafes, dollop, in north lakewood/uptown and broke it all down. and the barista and i gave each other flirty looks, which is always nice, then we ate thai food at jitlada thai, only the best place for pad kee mao in like, the whole fucking world.

13. Even though i only had 40 minutes to make it from rogers park at the Loyola stop to lake street, somehow, i made it there with 3 minutes, and ran my ass off--the wrong way at first, hilarious--through the streets, down the station steps, through the hallway, and i JUST MADE IT, one second before it was about to take off, by tapping on the glass. i couldn't believe i made it.

So yo, that's a perfect two days in Chicago. sign me up kidz. i'd do that again anytime, even the running my ass off part.

24 November 2006


was so nice.

We ate vegetarian stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, i drank a few glasses of shiraz, thomas drank makers, little shoes drank spiked pomegranate juice, we ate chocolate oreo truffles, spicy pumpkin pie with SUBTLE toffee, we talked, laughed, i saw and talked with:

Silpa, k, ls, rumit, shero, v, thomas, kpg, kpg's mom and the chinchilla. we danced to bad top-40 hip-hop + it was a total riot.

No soulcalibur, but that's okay. at least, I found out that KPG once had orange hair.

19 November 2006

The Asian Women in My Life

1. Christina Yu is driving me crazy and i don't think i can deal with her anymore. she's sent me 2 emails, and after i told her i'll erase any more emails of hers, she left me a voice message and sent me two text messages. she's crazy, and even worse, she's not even consistently crazy.

2. I decided to sign up for the graduate poetry workshop. and i'm kinda terrified cuz i haven't written a poem since the summer of 1999 and i have a sort of antagonistic relationship with poetry, largely because i feel like poetry wants me to be something i'm not. so this is going to be an amazing and intense challenge. it will also be nice to kick it with my peeps in their workshop for a change.

3. I can't wait until i'm done submitting my third manuscript for workshop AND when i've finished my fiction fellowships, because i'm spending a lot of time doing that instead of working on my thesis, and i wanna crank out this book, even if it's raw, ESPECIALLY if it's raw.

4. LS and i had a really great convo today and i like and respect her even more now. i learned alot about her life in Taiwan, her fiancé, her mind, her modesty and intelligence. i feel like we're really friends now.

5. I learned how to use a kanki dictionary for the first time today, and i'm really excited cuz i've always found them impossible to use. but it's all in the radicals.

6. Here's the poem i wanna get tattooed on my inner arm:


近 年
あなた 良い土 産はなかった。
ひとつの 言 葉。

Beautiful, ain't it?

Stay tuned next time for my translation, and, for the picture i want tattooed on my outer forearm. oh the anticipation is killing me jackson. i know, i know. soon.

14 November 2006

Jacksonsan, Your Body Isn't a City

I've been working with my japanese sensei, asking her for help with a new tattoo i want to get in chicago soon. it's come to my attention recently, that the tag i wanted, "my body is a city" sounds strange to japanese ears. but the variations have been even worse: "my body is a language" doesn't work because kotoba is kinda ugly for a kanji, and "my body is a city of language" actually read, when i showed it to her "my body is the language of the city," which sounds pseudo-urban.

--Why don't you find a line of poetry in japanese and get that written down? she asked, her eyes sparkling with impatient happiness.
--You know, you're right. okay how about this? if i find a poem i love, will you help me find it in nihongo?
She nods, zipping up her coat, standing there.
and maybe that's what i need to do. . . .

Sometimes i don't know why i'm so fascinated with the idea that my body is a palimpsest, a canvas, an unpainted fresco, why i'm so intrigued with the internalization of language and the externalization of abstraction. "in the penal colony" was one of my fave kafka stories as a sophomore in college, but not as punishment, but as body art, as a way to reify the evanescent quality of language into something that language, by its inherent nature, is structurally unfit to do, namely, become culturally frozen in space and time. and since some things are beautiful enough to live forever, or at least, for 86 years, depending on how long we all live, getting a tattoo was inevitable.

08 November 2006

Crushes, The Beauty of Iimpossibility, Cute な 's

I get crushes on people really easily. well, not easily, but the simplest things can throw me into a headspin. for example, there's this girl in my Japanese class and i only see her on tuesdays and thursdays and she's way too young for me i know, i think she's Korean, or possibly Chinese i dunno, but she wears the cutest outfits--pink raincoats that match little dolls dangling from her backpack, cute hoodies and sleek looking jeans that come from markets all the way in Asia. and ocassionally, i catch her looking at me, or, at least i think i do, or is she just looking at me because i'm looking at her? once, when we were drill partners together, i handed her my homework because she hadn't done it, and then she told me my な was cute and she smiled. and it delighted me for a week. and of course it means nothing, it has to, but i didn't care, it made me happy.

But crushes like these are impossible, and therefore beautiful because surreal.

It's the little things that move me about someone, the small things that cause a burst of uncontainable gold light to break out of our overcasted human identities, piercing the moment with unmistakable clarity. it's like you get to see that person for who she really is, and in that singular moment, there's nothing that could shine more brightly to our naked eyes.

06 November 2006

I Wish I Was in Love

Today is just one of those days when i just wish i was madly in love. i am like so ready to spoon i'm ready to recast myself into stainless steel and jump into the silverware drawer, along with all the other forks and butter knives, japanese soup spoons and rubber spatulas. i feel like this t-shirt i saw once that said: i'm a hug waiting to happen. how cute is that shit? anyway, i can be super-masculine (just ask kpg after the frosting fight), but i'm in touch with my emotions and i believe all the studies that prove that human contact is healing and nurturing. yeah, gimme that.

Until then, a few thoughts i had:

Related to a recent submission, i wanna live in san francisco.

I wanna live in japan too, maybe date a fabulous urban 日本人 who wears platform sneakers, boas and sparkles on her face.

Workshop is too long and i think we should be allowed to take naps in our seats, or go to a vacant classroom and write poems about our life on the chalkboard.

We should slip meth to william's coffee so we can get out of class at 1:00pm.

I miss the west coast hardcore. it's mad beautiful there, the cafes are outside, the ocean breathes down your neck, and the sun is always close to you. and the honies there. . . xoder.

There are certain days where i feel like everyday i'm not with someone i love, or making love to her, is somehow a wasted day.

Also, i have mixed feelings about staying in the US next year. part of me wants to so i can write, fine tune my novel, begin my writing career, and another part of me wants to live abroad, kick it in an expat community, explore new worlds and new cities, and write as consolation.

Sometimes i like it when i feel like i can cry, it makes me feel like i'm open, unzipped, exposed to the air, a storm waiting to happen, an unlocked chakra.

Today is quiet but beautiful.

04 November 2006

Good Saturday

Even though it's 8:37 pm saturday night, and i'm still in my sweats and wife-beater tank top and i haven't see a soul or brushed my teeth since last night, i'm feeling really good about things. here's some highlights:

1. i had a really awesome conversation with k about god last night until 4 in the morning, it felt like college, in a good way.

2. we watched "lost in translation," which is one of my fave movies of all time, and i got all stoked to go to japan, which inspired me to:

3. order a geisha online at mailordergeishasonline.com. just kidding. no, LIT inspired me to finish my JET application online and submit it, which i did. now, i just have to get two recommendations, write a little essay on why i wanna kick it in japan, and photcopy my grades, and then i'm done--with this stage of the application process.

4. the fruitflies are finally dying in my apartment. omshantiomshanti, little fruities!

5. k, little shoes, darin, kpg and i ate thai food--hella yum--then chilled at k's place, before ls and kpg ganged up on me and started a frosting fight. oh kpg, you looked so beautiful when you became a betty crocker ghost, covered in sweet, synthetic frosting. she looked so sad, indignant and shocked. it was sweet to see that side of her--no pun intended. i can't decide whether she thought i was weaker than i am, or whether she didn't expect retaliation for making a white hand print on MY SKULL . . some people. i guess she was banking on my non-violence platform--but kpg, it doesn't apply to desserts.

6. later i bonded with k's roomie. we even performed a terrible backstreet dance for k and ls that was nothing if not classic.

7. we beat north carolina today by 19 points, which, for some critics, isn't impressive enough. meanwhile, i'm wondering why noone finds it even less impressive that michigan beat BALL FUCKING STATE by 6 points or why ohio state beat the fighting illini by ONE TOUCHDOWN, a team that is just as bad as UNC. ah, why are there so many hatuhs? we're 8-1 bitches.

8. this mix i made on my iPod is fucking delicious. i'm loving like every spoonful.

9. i'm alive, healthy, happy and i'm writing. mashallah.

01 November 2006

Sobo in a Cup

It's strange but my lunch today made me feel closer to me sobo (grandmama). I ate medium grain rice, with wasabi hurikake, unagi and miso soup. When i eat any of these things--miso, unagi, gohan from a rice cooker--i think instantly of her, i think of her laugh, the way her eyes disappear, eaten up by a wet brilliance, i think of the last week of her life, when chad and i fed her things she could no longer swallow, just because she wanted us to, just because she wanted to taste this fleeting world. Today i feel closer to my sobo, i feel more Japanese today than I have in weeks. I wish that feeling would stay. I wish I knew how to make it that way always.

Tonight is the 4th Lula's reading, but mostly, i just wanna see my peeps, and then come home later and study for my japanese test tomorrow. I must be getting old because the idea of staying home excites me more than the idea of going out. Of course, it would be different if there was a shorty in my life. But for now, i'll have to be content finding my heritage in a cup of soup, somewhere between the bean curd and the kombu.