18 January 2007

Missing My Mom in Cold South Bend

What's wrong with me these past two days? i feel like a girl. i haven't cried this much since devon and i broke up. and it's weird, i'm not sad or even depressed--and with this cold weather, i consider that a miracle. i just feel very very open emotionally. also:

I miss my mom. i had this disturbing dream last night she died and in my dream i was crying and i woke up and i was crying. it fucking sucked so bad. i'm going to call her soon just to hear her voice. i feel like this dream is about how much she and i connected over break, how sad i'll be to be so far away from her if i move to japan, assuming i get the job. i feel like that dreams is also about how i don't want her to be lonely or poor. if i can't take care of her someday, who will? i feel bad at the prospect of abandoning her, even if it's right for me to live in japan, even if it's been my dream since i was 8. it's not that i think it's wrong to move to asia, i just wish i wasn't going to be so far away.

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