06 May 2007

4 Days of Epiphanies, Music + Emotions

Well, this has been one of the most exciting weekends in quite awhile.

First off, erika came to visit me. and it was awesome. i really didn't know what to expect to be honest cuz the first time was really nice, but i couldn't tell whether there was chemistry or not since our first date was so unusual since:

1. I was wearing a suit for my JET program, which made me feel like i was interviewing her for the position of girlfriend.
2. I had an absolute time limit since my JET interview was in 2 hours so i couldn't be laid back like i'm normall am
3. It was fucking freezing outside so the walk to big bowl was a trial by ice
4. Ginza, the kick-ass sushi restaurant i had planned for out first date, was closed, hence the trial by ice
5. We were both kinda nervous
6. Erika threw up on the table, and her projectile (a piece of tofu) hit me right in the face. i'm just kidding, that didn't happen.

But it was like a perfect first--well,technically second, but first normal--date. we:

Ate thai dinner at the thai trailer

Walked around the lake and then i showed her around nd's campus

Visited the grotto, lit votives together (i tried hard not to think of that modern english song)

Went back to my place, drank tea, nibbled on chocolate

I layed some electronic music for her i'd written years ago

Talked for hours and hours about everything and i was totally into it

We hugged a little bit, i kissed her on the cheeks, smelled her hair

She stayed over until 4ish, and i ALMOST convinced her to stay over. . . no, i wasn't trying to Sleep with her, i just thought it woulda been nice to drive back to chicago together.

We were totally giddy. . . i couldn't even look at her sometimes cuz i was grinning like an idiot
anyway, it was really surprising. . . i kinda started feeling something that hasn't gone away since.

Friday, i took the train to chicago, went to H & M, and bought a cool button down (tight-fitting, deliberately wrinkled), before going to borders and looking up the atlantic college fiction winners. then i met my future roomie at argo tea--she's def cool. i really like her and got along well and we're both really excited about our new place. it's gonna be sick man.

Then i met em at her dad's place in the gold coast, right near the latin school, stunning apartment on the 26th floor overlooking the lake and most of LP.

The AIR concert at riviera was fucking fantastic. they played almost every song of theirs i loved, except the ones with guest cameos, of course, and i was standing 8 rows back from the stage--or whatever you call human bodies standing in a broken line. special standouts incluced "la femme d'argent," "high school lover," "radian," "people in the city" and "don' be light." "cherry blossom girl" was kinda disappointing since darkel's voice sounds kinda flimsy without some studio reinforcement. still, it was so amazing seeing one of my fave groups of all time live. there's nothing quite like it.

Afterwards, em and i went to this 24-hour diner, but left once we realized it was a fucking cowfest--nothing but meat.

At her dad's sweet place, we ended up kissing--it was inevitable--passionately, tenderly, but then emily stopped me and basically wanted some clarification on what it meant. i really couldnt' say. i was mostly going with the flow, and also, i realized we were kissing for 2 different reasons:

I was kissing to see how it felt. i mean, i wanted to since we never have before, but that being said, i also wanted to see how it felt emotionally, whether i'd like it alot, whether it provoked stronger feelings of affection, desire, lust, emotion in me.

She kissed me cuz, well, she likes me, and i think cuz she wants to be my boo. okay, i know she does cuz she's made some "jokes" to her friends how i'm her future husband and all. . .

Neither desire/expectation is wrong, but the point is, they don't converge.

In bed, we ended up making out some more--with a bit more sexual flourish this time--and then i morphed in to the stereotypical male somehow afterwards. i was kinda hugging her as i fell asleep, but she kept talking and talking and talking, and then i was pleading with em in my head to sleep for the love of god, which eventually she did, or maybe she didn't, i don't know, but i did. i can't explain to you how exhausted i was from everything--the concert, studying for my japanese oral exam, writing, the date with erika that lasted until almost 5 once i went to bed, everything. the next morning, we kissed some more, but something had def changed inside me. i still have TONS of affection and appreciation and respect for emily, but i know now, so clearly, that even though i might adore em, it's not in the way that she wants me to, not in the way i wish i did, or used to, last year, i mean. and that's no one's fault. at some point, when the time is right, i'll have to sit down and have a talk with her about that if i think she hasn't figured it out. . .it's the only compassionate thing to do in the situation.

The other thing i realized today is (in part as a result of kissing Em), i'm starting to have some feelings for erika, like some strong feelings i didn't expect--maybe that's part of the reason i'm allowing myself to have them, i dunno. There was a time when I was so crazy into Em, but for whatever reason, the timing was never right. And now, as much as I adore her, respect her + am attracted to her spirit, it doesn't feel right to me anymore. And as strange as this sound, only kissing her helped me understand how my feelings have changed.

I still don't know whether my recent feelings for Erika will lead to anything or not yet and i'm not allowing myself to get into a relationship once i move back to chicago for at least the first month because i don't think i should rush into anything right now. i think it makes sense to just take it slow, and see what develops organically over time without settling for something, or doing something out of a sense of obligation or sexual urgency. so i don't have to have the answers right now, but certain things are starting to make sense, and others clearly don't feel right.


I walked to my fave vegetarian restaurant in lakeview--the chicago diner--and ordered a veggie philly steak sandwich and banana choclate smoothi. so good in fact, i decided to omit a silent e. whoah man. it was amazing, as usual.

Afterwards, i walked around, went to intelligentsia, drank some really smooth and clear green tea, wrote a lousy poem on a napkin. eventually, my brother showed up, we talked about relationships, sara, his ex, erika, em, mum and dad, my move back to chicago, wick's upcoming projects, and then we walked to the LP and ate sandwiches at the bourgeois pig. the barista was sweet and cute, and gave me great advice on a sandwich with hummus and pesto that shouldn't have worked, but really did. and then i took the train back here, knowing the whole time that this was the last time i was RETURNING to sobe instead of visiting.

And then erika and i talked for 3 hours on the phone.

So yes, these past 3-4 days have been really quite amazing. now, i'm gonna sleeeeeeeeep for like 10 hours. i can't wait.

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