After doing some research it looks like my options for getting a Spanish Work permit will ultimately depend on my ability to obtain Spanish citizenship. Breaking it down it looks like this:
1. Live in Spain for ten fucking years and then apply for naturalization. As if, man.
2. Encourage Erika to get her Peruvian citizenship, which will allow her to become a Spanish citizen in just two years since all former Spanish colonies in Central and South America, with the exception of Brazil, are entitled to an abridged Spanish naturalization in this time frame.
3. Marry an española, which would take one year of residency.
4. The long-shot: Erika's mum married a German national to help him with his American naturalization, so it's possible--very unlikely, but still, possible--that she could become a German citizen even though they have since then divorced. Once that happened, Erika could become a German citizen, and once we got married, I could too.
But, you know, Ich spreche nicht Deutsch. . . so it would be really strange to imagine both of us carrying German passports when we can't speak a word of German and we've never lived in Germany before.
Ultimately, unless I wanna wait for an entire decade, I will still have to marry Erika. But that's fine, I've been planning on that since the beginning.