15 September 2009

The Many Ways I Know I'm In LA


1. I pass the Walk of Fame every time I take the Metro to class

2. The Palladium, instead of being a legendary musical venue, is now just a building seven blocks from our house (with Kanye “Beyonce’s video was one of the best videos of all time” West, Common + Nas coming to town soon)

3. The gold standard for female (+ even male) beauty is so much higher here than it is anyplace else, even New York City, since the weather is so much better. The number of beautiful women here is kinda staggering. LB will fit in perfectly + anger many I’m sure

4. Billboards make allusions to unemployed screenwriters, like this Chase ad that says: Almost more ATM’s than unaccepted screenplays

5. Production equipment becomes an infestation. It’s in my neighborhood, it at Union Station, it’s down the street. It’s fucking everywhere

6. Sometimes, when you’re sporting a good look, people will scan you for a couple seconds longer to make sure you’re not someone famous + you don't bother correcting them

7. Random celebrity run-ins are so common they’re mundane. I had a friend named Aimée who went to a party once only to discover that Tom Green + Drew Barrymore were there making out. My friend Lisa went to David Lynch’s art opening last week + ended up bumming a smoke from Patricia Arquette before she shook hands with DL as he was floating by

8. Sleazy tattoo joints abound on Hollywood Ave

9. Traffic is mindlessly bad during rush-hour

10. I was buying some cologne at Sephora yesterday at the Hollywood Mall + outside there was a singer on stage, blasting rock ballads + a few country songs to a packed crowd of teenagers, all televised, of course. As I was leaving, I asked the security guard who the singer was + he gave me this incredulous look before he said: dude, that’s Kelly Clarkson

11. Scientology is everywhere. Not only did I get followed by a smiley security guard on a mountain bike after taking a picture of the powder blue Scientology building with the giant cross (which kinda creeped me out), but last week, some random guy gave me a flyer for a two-day Dianetics convention for a special promotion price of only $100, which is way cheap for Scientologists

12. The weather is simply fantastic

13. The t-shirt becomes the single most important article in my wardrobe

14. Yo, it’s not USC, it’s just SC because we’re no longer talking about a university, but a part of California, a talented but flakey football dynasty (not to mention a NFL fill-in) + an institution of positive thinking, so always compete!

15. Everyone seems to be working with, for, or against the film industry in some way

16. Sometimes when I’m walking around my neighborhood, I walk past the CNN building + the Nickalodeon studios by accident

17. When I drive around with my friends, I can always tell once I’m in West Hollywood when it's Sabbath

18. Melrose is just another street, not a show. + if it is a show, it takes place on Saturday night

19. Even poor people have a ride

20. I was at this café on theater row (which is a gunshot away from our apartment), just chilling + reading some Dana Johnson (who teaches at SC) when all of sudden this guy just sat down at the piano in the corner of the café, + started playing Bach’s “Minuet in G” which I kinda hate, it should be known. When he was done, I hoped he was finished with his little performance, but then he played another piece, a really loud song with lots of sustain-pedal arpeggios that made it impossible to think straight. But he still wasn’t done. After that, he played another song, as loud as he could hit the keys, + this time, he fucking started singing at the top of his lungs. I don’t know about you, but I have neither the moxy nor the insecurity to walk into a half-filled café + play music to a captive audience who went there to study or read or to get away from their boyfriend or whatever. Finally, the barista told him stop in the politest way possible, + after the piano player finished pouting, he went up to her + complained, asking her, well when is the right time play the piano? She had to basically console him + tell him she didn’t know, just another time, just not now. This went on for at least ten minutes. Finally he left, unlocked his bike + walked away. I mean, the dude didn’t even buy a cup of tea or something to support his local café shop. I’ve got no sympathy. Go find an open-mic dude

21. On the beautiful surface-level of reality, man’s best friend is no longer a dog, but a hot girlfriend, a nice car + a pair of sunglasses. Fortunately for me, once LB gets here, I’ll have all four. Holla!

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